


but later, later he will feed the thirst

by Allegory



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Gen, Hunk (Voltron)-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:02:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10988646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allegory/pseuds/Allegory
Summary: Then he closes his eyes and touches the left side of his stomach, the abandoned attempts to cut himself there. Not even the barest scratch to call it an effort. He rubs some of the oldest scars on his thighs, the ones that will glare if he shimmies out of his pants to check on them. A few stitches and he'd moved on; half-hearted, frightened, human.





	but later, later he will feed the thirst

HUNK wonders if things would be different if he weren’t so pudgy. Let’s be honest here; fat. No point in blunting the stones if he’s going to run through a torrent of them. He flips through the periods of his life and the cycles of days when he’d wake up at 4am to run around the block, hit the gym and tell his friends that he had to go meet a teacher, skipping lunch. Then there are times like these, times when he seems to not remember what goes down his throat or when it does because it’s just a compulsion to have something in between his teeth.

These thoughts race through his mind while he watches Lance and Keith from afar. They’re standing outside the docked castle, sitting by a pond surrounded by nettles. It’s a little too Earth-like for Lance, who’s wiping his cheeks at this point, reminded too fondly of home. Keith nudges him in the elbow and when Lance ignores him, he cups his jaw and whispers something into his ear. Keith kisses him on the lips once, twice, and Hunk turns away then, feeling distinctly like a perpetrator.

It’s not the first time Hunk has seen around the smoke and mirrors of their daily squabbles. He bets Pidge has an idea too though the others are oblivious, including Lance himself. They still spend a lot of time together, of course. Lance humors him, sneaking into the kitchen with new and strange planetary ingredients for him to experiment on. But Hunk has noticed that he leaves just a tad earlier and sometimes he has to ask a question twice to get his attention. Keith is Lance’s first love, Hunk concludes. He’d be damned not to know that much, after three years as roommates.

The winds of Planet Gideon blow dust specks into Hunk’s eyes. He rubs them viciously until his hands are wet with tears, and he knows he’s being stupid, because if Lance had loved him then something as stupid as his body weight wouldn’t have been the deterrent. Which is worse because now Hunk figures he’s just not worth loving, even though Lance calls him an angel and Keith, well...everyone on the team agrees that he’s a stiff icicle at best.

His guard duty over later that night, Hunk takes a shower and rolls into his own mound of fat. It’s dumb to still feel sorry for his body when he’s inhabited it for two long decades. He spends almost half an hour in the flat darkness of his room with his face pressed against the bed.

“Lights on.”

They flicker to life. Hunk turns around and unbuttons his shirt, releasing the jiggling flesh. He sits up straight and runs his fingers first across his arms, the scars that criss-cross his skin like worms. The ridges have gone but they’re still there, a distinct shade darker than the rest of his body. Then he closes his eyes and touches the left side of his stomach, the abandoned attempts to cut himself there. Not even the barest scratch to call it an effort. He rubs some of the oldest scars on his thighs, the ones that will glare if he shimmies out of his pants to check on them. A few stitches and he'd moved on; half-hearted, frightened, human.

Hunk’s fingers move instinctively to a pair of scissors by the edge of the bed, wedged smartly in between the bed frame and his cot. Hunk twirls it, the feel of the coat a little too familiar. The blade nips his skin, glacial. Hunk runs it down a prominent vein on his wrist, like a dotted guide line in some crafts book begging to be snipped. The urge tickles him, strangely, against the roof of his mouth. He presses down, humoring it for a moment. Then pulls away.

"Hunk!” A voice calls from outside his room. Hunk loses his grip, the scissors falling soundlessly between his lap onto the safety net of his blanket. Lance. Rapping at his doorway, now.

“Get out here buddy, you've got to see this!”

The whole gang is gathered by the balcony, watching stars explode in the sky. Pidge is going on about orbital periods and gravitational vectors. Allura has some sad memory locked in her eyes and all the others are there, too. Lance runs forward, from Hunk’s side, and elbows Keith the way Keith had done to him earlier that day. Laughter lights their faces, flickering in the shadows. Hunk doesn't move towards them. He curls his fists, a grotesque urge pregnant within him. And for now Hunk will smile and join the team, basking in this big bright universe. But later, later he will feed the thirst.

**Author's Note:**

> these classmates i had before used to pronounce scissors as scizzors and i can't unpronounce it in my head help


End file.
